What a curve ball...

Life threw me some lemons recently and told me to make diamonds. Not sure how 2017 will work out. I want so very much to remain optimistic... but she has left. Crushing isn't even a near description. Heart ache doesn't come close. This truly is, another dark valley I am told to trudge through. I wish I was done being forced to get stronger, better, wiser. I need a break. I need life. I need joy.

Eddie Vedder

...in an open letter after anti-war rant on stage: "Call me naïve. I’d rather be naïve, heartfelt and hopeful than resigned to say nothing for fear of misinterpretation and retribution...War hurts. It hurts no matter which sides the bombs are falling on."

Rebecca Burch

Has a ring to it. Yep, she is growing inside mama at the moment. Her scheduled appearance to this world is on November 20th. I always wanted to have a girl, but it just hasn't set in yet. I am going to have a little girl. WE ARE HAVING A DAUGHTER! I still can hear my coworker Doug's words to this very day when I annouced we were having Jacob, "Alright man! Congrats... it's better to worry about one dick than a thousand!". Hahaha. True, but now the tables have turned. Jacob will need to be my go-to for sources of information. He needs to be my eye downtown. A big brother. Ready to punch out deusch bags that harass her! Anyways. Haven't even seen Rebecca, and yet I seem to be preparing to buy a chastity belt. Yikes. Until next time, Godspeed. -M

Long time coming...

"If depression is, as Winston Churchill famously described, a "black dog" that follows the sufferer around, anxiety is a feral cat that springs from nowhere, sinks its claws into skin and hisses invective until nothing else exists" -Kat Kinsman I can look back at my last post here, knowing what state my mind was in. I wish words could describe the utter hopelessness that was enveloping every thought. The sense of failure, something being wrong, feeling like I was not in my own skin. I wish it was easy to explain that it's a combination of bio-chemical imbalances in my brain, as well as a poor diet/exercise regime. I was falling apart. I needed help. I cried out to God for mercy. I only heard silence. I doubted his willingness to help at first. I then doubted God as a whole. Was I truly alone in this battle? I surely could not win. While today, I would say I am 90% better... the battle is still long from being over. I have the rest of my life that I imagine will be off and on occurances of involuntarily wanted thoughts. So intrusive, and usually graphic and ill-being. I struggle to this day about my faith. I have prayed, read the Word of God, and begged. I DO feel better, and for that I am thankful. I have been on Zoloft for quite some time now. 150mg daily. While this is 100mg more than the last time this was around, it only solidifies my irrational fears of, "next time...". What if next time I can't take enough of a dose to help me cope? BLAH! Stop thinking this way. It only fuels the fire. I can hope. I can pray. I can act. I can improve. I can look at things optimistically, vs. my pessimistic thoughts that are so much easier to live by. Dear God above, Thank you for my improvements. Please continue to instill in me a clear mind, and heart. I want to be a good father, husband, and servant of you. Your son, Matt

Been a long time waiting.

I hate updating this thing with any form of negativity, but I have been struggling with anxiety these past 48 hours. Not fun. I would not wish this state of mind upon any other human being.

-MB

P.S.

Went to Shingletown with the boys from work on a quick Man-trip. Yep, got a go-kart now:

Recap, please

• House Bought
• Kiddo growing
• Summer is here

hollaaaa!

Approaching the new year. Wow. I can almost hear the words out of my grandfathers mouth, "Time goes by reeeeal fast, Matthew". Here we are. Quickly approaching 2012. Didn't the Mayans say we are going to explode or something? Anyways. Here is a wonderful couple of photos regarding a load of poached Rhino horns that was caught in Asia. I am not able to remember it, but there was a quote by a blogger that posted a comment something like, "Why cant PETA focus all their attention on this crap vs. telling me not to eat meat!?"
100% agree.

D.H. Show...

So tonight we go to the local Descanso Beach for a concert by the Dirty Heads. Cassie and I had seen them play at the House of Blues in Hollywood a few months back. They had put on a good show. Glad to see the Jack-ass schmucks at the island company think of some other musical form of entertainment other than Jazz-trax. I want to make only one point. It is 6:00pm, before the show. MARK MY WORDS:

THIS SHOW WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT HEAVY CRITICISM FROM THE OLDER FOLKS. I have already seen 3x kids smoking a joint, JUST ON THE SIDEWALK. Wow. They must need to "get medicated" quickly. The sun is still out. I am neither for nor against it. I just know that it "can" relieve pain for some folks, but most kids these days abuse it. Anyways.

I wonder how many folks will get arrested? I have already seen a big influx of "rent-a-cops"

WOW. Now I hear the sheriff buzzing overhead. I hope there is no fights. Let this go down well, and fun.

-m.b.

4th of July

Just got done having the fellas over. Curlee, Zach, and Rory all made it out to the island for a 3 day extravaganza. Camping, Wake-boarding, and of course the Avalon firework show.

Good times.

Food on the table!!!

So my old pal at work Mike came up to me FINALLY... after weeks of begging, pleading, convincing. He walked on up, got close, and said, "We are going now- get off work. Now is the time. The bite is on."

BOOM! White Sea Bass time, baby! Largest one was just shy of 40 pounds, according to M.H.

I would say job well done:

Good times.

BchlrPrty

Bachelor Party this weekend. Cesar is getting hitched, to the wonderful fiance of his- Aracely. What a great couple they make!

I am being dragged along with Cesar & co. to his bachelor party weekend extravaganza. This is to take place along the Kern River and into Lake Isabella. Yikes. He has only briefly explained that there will be "White water rafting as well as watercraft on the lake". Sheesh.

Hope it is a fun, memorable, and safe weekend.

-M

Katniss Everdeen

First look at her. I would have thought she would have lighter hair, and less "modern" apparel.

RIP

Tim Hetherington was killed today in Misrata, Libya, according to the agency that represents him.
Go see "Restrepo" if you haven't already. I was moved after seeing it. New perspective on the war.

better late than never...

wow. VERY long time since last posting.

This will be short. I have been reading a series of books titled, "The Hunger Games".

So far, I haven't been able to put them down. Read book one in just over 48hrs. Now on Book 2, "Catching Fire". I really, REALLY hate the young hipster following type of crowd that is for "Twilight" and I hope the good Lord above lets this audience be a bit more mature. Here is a photo that I came across today showing some of the new castings for both little Rue and Thresh.

Big weekend on the horizon...

This upcoming Friday holds the start of the Catalina Grand Prix. This is a big event sponsored by Red Bull. Should be pretty neat seeing next to 1000 people riding in this competition.

Rory is going to attempt to get on a boat. I hope he doesn't miss this one, as I know they are almost sold out at this point. I hope to take Jacob up to watch the start of the race. I can already envision his "Wow!" remarks!

Sunsets and Winter warmth

It seems that as soon as the woman & I leave work, the sun is about to leave us for another night. I just had a brief discussion at lunch with Cassie about how its getting harder and harder entertaining the little guy in such a small shack. I have to say, she is such an excellent mother. She is a very "outdoorsy" type of mommy/wife. It always helps when the sun is out for a few more hours. Jacob is absolutely in love with our little park here in town. I have a feeling that he will want a full size slide in our house sometime soon. He is so independent when he crawls up each and every step onto the slide platform. He then makes eye contact (a few times) before the *plop* ...the slide begins.

Zombie Apocolypse

...just watched the Tivo'd recent episode of "The Walking Dead". Ever since reading Richard Matheson's "I am Legend" I have been hooked on zombie novels, movies, shows, etc. Hence, "The Walking Dead" being something I wanted to start watching. I like the first three episodes for the most part, BUT... in the last episode I had an issue. A human survivor had been with a group of others when he started throwing an attitude. A fight ensued, and he ended up being handcuffed to some metal piping on a roof. Later on, a guy comes to see the fate of his brother only to find... (insert gasp here) - HIS HAND. Lying right next to his hand is a bloody hacksaw.
Last time I checked, a hacksaw is absolutely PERFECT for cutting metal. Buddy, why did you choose to cut your hand off when you could have simply cut the stupid handcuffs??? Come on!

Well done, APC...

The past two concerts were nothing short of amazing. I have to say, that I have a whole new passion for the sounds of A Perfect Circle. They had a great performance, complete with a song-by-song setlist of the "13th step" album... as well as a Bowie & Lennon cover.

Good times.