Long time coming...

"If depression is, as Winston Churchill famously described, a "black dog" that follows the sufferer around, anxiety is a feral cat that springs from nowhere, sinks its claws into skin and hisses invective until nothing else exists" -Kat Kinsman I can look back at my last post here, knowing what state my mind was in. I wish words could describe the utter hopelessness that was enveloping every thought. The sense of failure, something being wrong, feeling like I was not in my own skin. I wish it was easy to explain that it's a combination of bio-chemical imbalances in my brain, as well as a poor diet/exercise regime. I was falling apart. I needed help. I cried out to God for mercy. I only heard silence. I doubted his willingness to help at first. I then doubted God as a whole. Was I truly alone in this battle? I surely could not win. While today, I would say I am 90% better... the battle is still long from being over. I have the rest of my life that I imagine will be off and on occurances of involuntarily wanted thoughts. So intrusive, and usually graphic and ill-being. I struggle to this day about my faith. I have prayed, read the Word of God, and begged. I DO feel better, and for that I am thankful. I have been on Zoloft for quite some time now. 150mg daily. While this is 100mg more than the last time this was around, it only solidifies my irrational fears of, "next time...". What if next time I can't take enough of a dose to help me cope? BLAH! Stop thinking this way. It only fuels the fire. I can hope. I can pray. I can act. I can improve. I can look at things optimistically, vs. my pessimistic thoughts that are so much easier to live by. Dear God above, Thank you for my improvements. Please continue to instill in me a clear mind, and heart. I want to be a good father, husband, and servant of you. Your son, Matt