What a curve ball...

Life threw me some lemons recently and told me to make diamonds. Not sure how 2017 will work out. I want so very much to remain optimistic... but she has left. Crushing isn't even a near description. Heart ache doesn't come close. This truly is, another dark valley I am told to trudge through. I wish I was done being forced to get stronger, better, wiser. I need a break. I need life. I need joy.

Eddie Vedder

...in an open letter after anti-war rant on stage: "Call me naïve. I’d rather be naïve, heartfelt and hopeful than resigned to say nothing for fear of misinterpretation and retribution...War hurts. It hurts no matter which sides the bombs are falling on."

Rebecca Burch

Has a ring to it. Yep, she is growing inside mama at the moment. Her scheduled appearance to this world is on November 20th. I always wanted to have a girl, but it just hasn't set in yet. I am going to have a little girl. WE ARE HAVING A DAUGHTER! I still can hear my coworker Doug's words to this very day when I annouced we were having Jacob, "Alright man! Congrats... it's better to worry about one dick than a thousand!". Hahaha. True, but now the tables have turned. Jacob will need to be my go-to for sources of information. He needs to be my eye downtown. A big brother. Ready to punch out deusch bags that harass her! Anyways. Haven't even seen Rebecca, and yet I seem to be preparing to buy a chastity belt. Yikes. Until next time, Godspeed. -M

Long time coming...

"If depression is, as Winston Churchill famously described, a "black dog" that follows the sufferer around, anxiety is a feral cat that springs from nowhere, sinks its claws into skin and hisses invective until nothing else exists" -Kat Kinsman I can look back at my last post here, knowing what state my mind was in. I wish words could describe the utter hopelessness that was enveloping every thought. The sense of failure, something being wrong, feeling like I was not in my own skin. I wish it was easy to explain that it's a combination of bio-chemical imbalances in my brain, as well as a poor diet/exercise regime. I was falling apart. I needed help. I cried out to God for mercy. I only heard silence. I doubted his willingness to help at first. I then doubted God as a whole. Was I truly alone in this battle? I surely could not win. While today, I would say I am 90% better... the battle is still long from being over. I have the rest of my life that I imagine will be off and on occurances of involuntarily wanted thoughts. So intrusive, and usually graphic and ill-being. I struggle to this day about my faith. I have prayed, read the Word of God, and begged. I DO feel better, and for that I am thankful. I have been on Zoloft for quite some time now. 150mg daily. While this is 100mg more than the last time this was around, it only solidifies my irrational fears of, "next time...". What if next time I can't take enough of a dose to help me cope? BLAH! Stop thinking this way. It only fuels the fire. I can hope. I can pray. I can act. I can improve. I can look at things optimistically, vs. my pessimistic thoughts that are so much easier to live by. Dear God above, Thank you for my improvements. Please continue to instill in me a clear mind, and heart. I want to be a good father, husband, and servant of you. Your son, Matt

Been a long time waiting.

I hate updating this thing with any form of negativity, but I have been struggling with anxiety these past 48 hours. Not fun. I would not wish this state of mind upon any other human being.

-MB

P.S.

Went to Shingletown with the boys from work on a quick Man-trip. Yep, got a go-kart now:

Recap, please

• House Bought
• Kiddo growing
• Summer is here